


Let me die first, or I will die twice

by annaaperson



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, M/M, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-01
Updated: 2020-03-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:46:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22975693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annaaperson/pseuds/annaaperson
Summary: "Steve had killed the winter soldier"A look into how events would have worked out if the soldier was never unmasked until it was too late.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 4
Kudos: 55





	Let me die first, or I will die twice

**Author's Note:**

> This is based off the Tumblr prompt if Steve had killed the winter soldier before taking the mask off and finding out it was Bucky. The slanted lines in quotes are all from the book The Song Of Achilles by Madeline Miller. This is also my first posted fic so kudos/comments/bookmarks are very appreciated! Also hopefully my next fic will be much more fluff-filled but we'll see.
> 
> EDIT: Don’t mind how long it took me to realize that there was a typo in the summary

Steve had killed the winter soldier. 

The soldier now lay dead on the ground of the helicarrier as it was exploding around them. Triumphant, he walked up to the lifeless body, limping from the bullet wounds in his side. He rolled the body onto its back and noticed the blood dripping down his face and his hair. It looked as if he had not been taken care of, his hair filled with grime and stuck together from it at points. It was the first thing that made him feel uneasy about killing him but he pushed it aside. This guy was a part of HYDRA, a nazi organization that caused the death of millions, including Bucky, and committed over two dozen high profile assassinations. His death was deserved. Steve heard the murmur of Maria's voice calling for him to abandon the helicarrier now that the soldier was taken care of, but he only murmured a quick reassurance the soldier was indeed dead and ignored her for he wanted to do one last thing. He wanted to unmask the soldier.

If HYDRA had fought so hard to keep him masked, to the point where flipping him over with a grip on the mask wouldn't make it come off, there had to be a reason right? He felt the anticipation coursing through his veins as he slowly lifted his hands and meticulously took off the many straps securing the mask to the soldier’s face. There seemed to be millions of them, further indulging his inquiry on why HYDRA was so keen to keep his face hidden from the world. When he finally had undone all the straps, he clicked the last two pins securing the mask on either side of him, and unveiled the soldiers face. 

_“The numbness now is merciful. A last few moments of it. Then, the fall”_

A scream of pure grief was torn from his chest. Immediately he was chucking his shield off the carrier and clutching the body to himself, trying to search for a pulse, a wound he could stop from bleeding, anything. He found nothing, his heartbeat was long gone and all the blood that could have been was drained from his body. Steve knelt there, Bucky’s body in his hands, blood streaked across his face, probably bleeding out himself amongst the explosions doing their best to bring the craft to the ground. He heard Maria speaking frantically to him in his earpiece distantly, as if it were underwater. His hand was moving on its own account, tearing the earpieces from his body before chucking them away. His other hand was still clutching the body of Bucky, his best friend, the love of his life, the person he would kill himself a thousand times over and over for, the person who he swore he would know anywhere, and the person he had killed. 

_“And perhaps it is the greater grief after all, to be left on earth when another is gone.”_

He was blind to the creaking of the ship, warning him of his doom if he were to stay there much longer. The grief overtook him as he wept, harder than the night he had died the first time, into Bucky’s lifeless body. His eyes were still open, fear as clear as day showcased in the grayish blue. Steve had done that. He had killed Bucky. The realization was still sinking in, and it tore another wretched scream from him. He had left Bucky. He had left him to get manipulated by HYDRA as their little puppet. He had seen how Bucky acted after Azzano. He was distant at times, woke up screaming or whimpering, repeating his name and rank as if his life depended on it. 

_“He is half my soul, as the poets say”_

They had broken him then, but Steve was able to help piece him back together. Then he had fallen off the train presumed dead and Steve crashed the plane out of grief but he never looked for him. He left him to be broken and shattered by HYDRA once more, this time to a new extent. 

_“Name one hero who was happy...they never let you be famous AND happy”_

Steve could never forgive himself for that alone, but he had killed Bucky. His lack of pulse, lifeless eyes, and splattered blood proved it. Steve could hardly think through the cloud of pain that had him engulfed. But he could still recall the pact.

_“I did not plan to live after he was gone”_

**In 1926, when Bucky was 9 and Steve had just turned 8, they made a pact. They had just gotten out of another fight with one of the neighborhood bullies, and were currently hiding in an alleyway. Bucky was checking Steve for injuries as he always did and Steve was trying to stop him as he always did. Once Bucky was satisfied that the only thing Steve was suffering from was a split lip and a bruised ego, he let his hands drop from Steve’s face. They had stayed silent for a few moments before Bucky blurted out “If you were to die I would follow,” shocking them both into silence as Bucky’s eyes went wide with the realization of what he had said.**

**With Steve sick so often, death had always seemed just around the corner for him, so it was not as absurd for them to be talking of this before even reaching a decade old. Steve gaped at him for a few seconds before abruptly turning around. Fearing the worst Bucky started, heart beating out of his chest. But then Steve turned back around, a broken bottle neck with sharp edges in his hand. He gestured for Bucky’s hand and there was no hesitation when he gave it to him. Steve pricked both of their fingers and pressed them tightly together as the blood mingled between them.**

**“I swear, If you were to die I would follow, til the end of the line,” Steve said it like it was a prayer, a sacred thing. Bucky repeated him exactly and they sat there staring at each other, fingers still pushed together, until it was nearing dusk and they had to go home.**

_“I would follow, even into death”_

The pact was the only thing in his mind as he stood up clumsily, holding up Bucky with one arm and reaching for his gun with the other. “I’m with you til the end of the line, Buck.” He whispered as he held him tightly and put the gun to his head and pulled the trigger right as the helicarrier fell apart. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Natasha and Sam dug through the river, hoping for any sign of Steve. They had heard his scream over the comms, but other than that, there was no sight of him. Maria and Fury were busy trying to find a place to hide, but Maria promised to come back as soon as she could. Fury was still healing from multiple life threatening wounds so he was out of the picture to come help. 

They didn’t want to assume the worst, because chances were Steve had made it out alive no matter how impossible the situation may seem. He seemed to have a talent for surviving things that should kill him. But they figured this was as good a place as any to get a clue as to where he had gone. Besides it wasn’t even an hour past the time in which the final Helicarrier had fallen. With Steve’s serum coursing its way through his veins, even with nearly an hour of water in his lungs, he should be alive.

They found his shield first. It was strange, Steve’s shield never left his side. The only time they had ever heard of someone finding his shield without Steve right by it was in 1945, when his best friend had fallen off the train. Even then they didn't hear it from Steve himself, it had been a tale Howard supposedly told Tony when he was drunk one night, so there was a big chance that it never even happened. 

The shield was also further away from the debris, as if it had fallen off of the Helicarrier before it had dropped to the ground. They tried not to make too many assumptions because of it though. Maybe Steve had just leaped off the carrier with his shield, but had lost it when he made contact with the water. There were many scenarios possible where Steve didn’t willingly put down his shield. They were just thinking the worst. Steve was fine. 

They see the metal arm first. It blends in with the broken metal, but the red star is a clear giveaway. Eagerly, Natasha and Sam go to drag the body away, knowing they could rest a little easier with the soldier gone. However, when Nat had grabbed the arm and tried to move it out of the water, she found it was heavier than expected. Brushing it off as the metal arm adding weight, she asked Sam for help.

“Really? That heavy?” Sam asked, raising an eyebrow. Natasha was not known for weaknesses, so the fact that she had to ask for help said something about the weight of the corpse. At the small miniscule shrug of her shoulders, Sam strode forward and grabbed ahold of the metal arm as well. 

“3...2...1,” Natasha grunted as they both pulled with all their might trying to move the soldier. They got him to budge a little, but not enough to truly see him. Natasha made a noise of frustration. She just wanted to get this over with, hoping the soldier would have a secret on where to find Steve. Sam sighed in frustration as well, not happy that this guy, who had been very adamant on trying to murder them all, was stalling their search. 

“Hey guys.” A new voice startled them both out of their internal conflicts as they turned around to face Maria. Noting the look of dismay and anger on their faces, she quickly dropped her smile and went into commander mode. “What’s going on?”

“We found the Winter Soldier but he’s too heavy to move. We know Steve killed him before dropping off comms so we think his body may give a clue to Steve’s whereabouts.” Natasha’s voice was as put together as always, but her mask on her face wasn't in as good shape. You could see the frustration building up at the idea of the weight of the soldier stalling them from finding Steve.

Maria nodded a little, assessing the situation.“Here let me help. All three of us should work better than just you two and if not I’ll get my hands on some equipment to help get him out,” Maria stated, moving quickly to get into a position where she had a good grip on the soldiers arm. Natasha and Sam quickly got back into position, all of them facing towards the shore and away from the lifeless corpse.“On the count of 3. 1...2...3!”

They all pulled their hardest, and managed to pull the soldier up onto the shore. All turning around at the same time to face the soldier and see the face of HYDRA’s greatest asset dead in triumph, they were quickly faced with a sight they would have least expected and one that would haunt them for nights to come. 

Natasha made a noise of grief and was frozen in place, her already pale skin turning a sickly white. Maria screamed without realizing it, backing up until she stumbled and fell on the ground to sit right back up and stare, her mouth never closing even as the sound dies off when her throat can’t keep up with the torture. Sam’s breathing picked up rapidly as he held his hand over his mouth and bit down hard enough to draw blood, the metallic taste still not enough to trigger the training that should take over his brain on how to help calm his team. They all couldn't tear their eyes from the sight before them. 

The soldier and Steve were weaved together as if they were trying to become one. They were both covered in blood and wounds but one wound in particular stood out the most. It was Steve's head and clearly the most recently received. It was a bullethole leading directly to the brain, one that he only could’ve gotten from a close range shot. And judging by the gun held tightly with Steve’s one hand, his other preoccupied with the soldier, they all knew exactly who it came from. 

All 3 were unaware of the time slipping through their fingertips as they all stared at the lifeless bodies. Only Natasha moved, checking the pulses of both men before falling back, still and as pale as before. 

Finally, deep into the night, they one by one they all snapped out of their shock and moved back forming a small huddle in the chilly night air. Unspoken words and agreements flowed around them before Maria got the courage to go up to the bodies once more and with her shaking hands turn the soldiers face towards her, and as she fell back once more she could not deny that the face of Howling Commando and Steve’s best friend from childhood, inseparable on both schoolyard and battlefield, the only Howling Commando to give his life in service of his country James Buchanan “Bucky” Barnes was the one staring back at her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The funeral is small, modest. A sheer opposite to the catastrophic explosion of a way they went out. The world mourned for a hero lost, for giving his life to the world. His friends mourned for a man who they didn't see was hurting and one they judged too soon. His close friends grieved for the two heroes who went together into the grave. All the Avengers were there, even Thor, his head down and his body scrunched in on itself. It’s sunny and calm, with birds chirping and the unmistakable sound of New York traffic. No one talks for there's no need.

They stand hidden in a small plot of land filled with deteriorating gravestones alongside withering flowers.

In between Sarah Rogers and Winifred Barnes now lay the caskets of their sons, at last, with something other than plush and long forgotten memories inside. The joint tombstone was small, like everyone else's in the cemetery. The only thing distinguishing it from the rest was the obvious newness of it and the flowers puddled at its base.

However sad they are, they all knew one thing for sure as they stood circled around the joint grave of the men so many loved and so little truly knew. Steve and Bucky were finally home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Nat, Sam, and Maria all quietly packed their bags. They had a mission. Maybe in another universe there would still be a man to save at the end of it. But for now, they would work on rehumanizing a hero long forgotten to the depths of time, and if every HYDRA affiliate they came in contact with was brutally murdered, well, that must be one hell of a coincidence.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Any comments or kudos are very appreciated!


End file.
